Character Builder

I just asked myself the same question 3 times in a row.... Why do people do the things that they do? It is a hard question to answer. I would like to think we all think things thru... you know, really project the consequences to our actions... but.. not so much. Why in the world would someone who loves their kids so much do everthing in their power to push them away, then cry when they are gone? Families are weird. Weird... there is always so much going on behind the scenes. I mean while driving by any house in suburbia things looks so wonderful.. you really can't know what it is really like inside.....

I have said so many times... Why do some families have so many things happen to them all at once??? It seems to unfair..... Doesn't it? Have you ever known a family like that... maybe the lose their parents at once or many members get sick all in a row.... It is sad. I think it all to learn lessons, although only they know = or maybe not = the lesson they are suppose to learn. Or maybe it is just plain old dumb luck. But, I don't think so. I don't really believe in that I don't think... or at least not as much as I used to believe in it. Maybe we endure these dark times in our lives to build character. I have all the character that I can stand... let me tell you or anyone else who is listening up there... or out there.

It comes down to a question of control. Most things do, don't you think? If you overcontrol your surroundings, I believe your surroundings will change.... as in, Go Away. People can only endure that for so long... Now you can say it is out of love, but isn't it really just to get what you want? Because, of course, you know what is best for everyone at the party..... right? So, how then can I keep feeling sorry for you? I feel sorry for everyone... always have. I just don't have that chip... that.. screw them chip... There are days I wish I had a half a chip like that... but, alas... nada.

I pray alot... talk really. My friend Lisa says I need to talk more... ask for help more, Nan says the same. So I am trying to do that whenever I think about it. I feel like a whiner... seems like 80 percent of the time I do Talk... I am asking for something... great talker friend I am ..... I do try to say thanks too.... I do that. But mostly I ask. Sometimes I ask for other people... and rally the celestial troops to deploy to the location of my person in need... you know, I don't need you today guys... please go to so and so's place and wrap your help and loving light around them..... I hope they do. It is hard to tell sometimes.

I met a stranger that is very much like me. Turns out she is my Birthmom.. I have talked about her before. She is wonderful.... she is facing a battle now... yes the C word, or so it looks. I am asking again for my "guys" to meet up with hers and see if they can beat this deal with her. She is really something... who tells their daughter something like that and then apologizes because I have so much on my plate. I have a big plate, among other things..... like my butt. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

My family is just like everyone's... maybe not, but I would prefer to think so.... but you know, I just wish we could all love eachother unconditionally... without control, without an inside motive.

That is the difference between my other family and this one..... the main difference..... It was hard to get used to at first. I like it. But it was unchartered waters..... calmer ones. Not better or worse... just different. No qualifying here.... just to make myself clear.

The truth is. I am tired. I am.

I pray tonight that loving pink light from my heart flows to hers... and everyone in both families..... I wish that things could be easy and nice and that everyone learns what really matters on this planet on this journey.... it is love and the way love makes all of us feel. God, I pray for this for everyone ... every minute.... And a side prayer for dry cheeks.

Today has been a character builders. Good night all.... xo

just another day in.....

Well Well Well.. Another week goes by and each new day brings some new something or other. This week I saw the wonderful change tragedy brings out in people... and they are not afraid to act human instead of super-human.... which she is much more familiar with. I learned that loving pink light comes from your heart and you can send it to anyone. I learned a rib recipe... that I will be using tomorrow at a rib competition ( I have never made ribs in my life) this should be interesting. I shared a 60 year old mink coat with my step daughter... she is standing up in a wedding and had no coat to wear with her dress. I couldn't stand the idea of her wearing a school jacket with an evening dress... that taught me I really have heard all those things my Mom has been saying to me for years... scary.

I was Made in Alaska ! Something I didn't know till I was 42 when I met my Birthmom. I have always loved that I love winter and never get cold. When I learned about the Made in Alaska thing, that all made sense to me... I learned this week that even that doesn't work as a person gets older.... I am freezing! LOL.

I am ok with not understanding what motivates others... but sometimes that still hurts. I haven't learned how to do it yet, but I am trying to let go. These problems and dramas are not mine, even though they affect me. I have very little impact on others actions... and people say one thing and do another.. oh yah, and here is a real eye opener... Even though people THINK they are sneaky.. guess what ... YOU ARE NOT.

I love dogs... mostly big dogs, but I do not discriminate. I knew that already but I learned how much they mean to me and my dog loving friends. Goodbye Murphy... I am sending loving pink light to her from my heart.. and to your Mom and Dad.

Family has nothing to do with blood. NOTHING. I have heard that phrase.. "Blood is Thicker Than Water" That is crap. Believe me, it is.

I miss some of my friends from long ago. I am so happy for their unbelievable success. I love them still and hope they know that and they feel it.

Hopefully distance WILL make the heart grow fonder ... or at least less hateful.

Where you are, physically in this world, on this planet, directly affects your attitude and ability to fight a battle otherwise very hard to beat.

Here is the deal... we learn things everyday... even if they are small things that don't make a difference. Or so we think. I cry at least 6 times a week... happy cry, sad cry, scared cry, cry cry, sob cry, thank you cry, loss cry... WTF cry... that is me, I am a roller coaster... always have been....

AND THAT IS OK.

Items learned for this week... AMEN

it's been a long time

Hi All....

I am still here.... wondering? How do these things happen? How does someone get that angry at such a young age... heck, when you live here in Chicago you ask that question weekly, or even more.
I am up watching the beautiful snow fall... heard the astronaut's comment this morning, man, did he get it right. We can all do better.
So I read all this "stuff" now..... and it seems the general opinion is if we all do something good, it will catch on... soon everything will be ok... But does Everyone know that? Does everyone care? I have to ask.
Just read a cool blog about a girl who isn't buying any clothes, shoes or books for herself in 2011..oooooooo I can give it a whirl too. Oh, if we all had just 1/2 of the money we have spent??? wow.
I personally would like to get healthier. What does that mean though. I have a friend who is going to get pregnant this year... she is making her body a "tempel" I love that, she is my hero. I ask myself this. Is the tempel on the inside and the outside. Is the mind the most important part of the tempel? Is the Heart, Lungs, Stomach, Colon... Butt???? Every day this answer changes for me personally. There are days I just am lost in the options of what to work on next...... Tempel, a word worth pondering.
I said to Chris, "Can't I just be happy with who I am for a while?" He didn't answer....
Hmmmmmmmmm

today

Well..... my "horrorscope" was right.... Have you ever wondered why people ask you questions, if they don't want to know the right answer??? What The?? Sometimes, even though I try to keep myself and my mouth in check... well things just fly out of it. Oh, to have a 3 second delay button. I wonder how much easier my life would be with one of those beauties!?? Just finished a great book..nothing too heavy these days. Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat hair. It was something similar to my future Autobiography.. of course my title would be "Dog Hair" in lieu of Cat Hair. There have been so many times when I feel like I am alone, but alas... there is a woman out in LA doing the same things and writing a book about it! Day are complication lately... seems like all the players on the field are changing their personalities..... I have a hard time understanding the logic, but I suppose it isn't my job to do that. My Mom used to say "tend to your own knittin' " But that is hard to do when you are so interesting in people and what makes the think the way they do.... Anyway. I think age makes people change - among other things of course... So, as I was trying answer the broad question posed to me... I kindof, shall we say.... went off. Sometimes I think I operate in a box that is just too small. Everyone is connected and invested, way too much in my opinion, in everyone else. I am starting not to like it. Maybe, it is just that I see things so differently... more now then ever. And when it comes down to it.. I get scared. I get scared for my future and all that I have invested... and I am not talking about money here.. it is all about the time invested. Some days are worse then others...mostly they are good.... just, some days I get scared........ Sometimes, I feel like my life isn't in my hands... I am searching for a way to changethat feeling.... I need to get braver... I know...... Bye

never a dull moment

Well another day goes down in the history books... no customers today... I am hopeful for tomorrow. The powers that be were arguing today. Are you really required to do any one thing for over 50 years... ugh. There are things I don't understand...... many... sometimes, I think there are more I don't understand than I do. I believe that someone is listening when I pray... maybe it is me. I pray for things to get better... then see someone who has it worse off then me -then us... and I feel guilty. I will tell you though... I am tired of working all of the time and just getting by..... I should feel happy to be getting by. I hate money. Always have. If I had it, I would give it to all the people I love to enjoy their lives... not too much though, as that leads to more problems, unfamiliar ones... not good. I am thankful though... for so much... I try, every morning when I walk, to make a list of them in my head and say them outloud. I don't think anyone can hear them but my dogs and maybe that person I pray too everyday. Last Saturday was amazing and moving and difficult and heart wrenching and wonderful.... all that in a Saturday morning! Wow. I am thankful for last Saturday - to have been in the company of a family that I don't really know, but admire so much... I just watched and listened and studied faces... waiting for a rumpled brow or quivering lip... I didn't see one... at least I didn't see one. I did feel my brow and my lip, but it wasn't about me. I wonder how in the heck you come to deal with the day to day. That is what I wonder..... Loss is one thing... but there are no take-backs on some loss... I have a hard time wrapping my head around that concept. I feel like I am the type of person that runs around with my hair on fire trying to fix things, make something better.... sometimes for selfish reasons, sometimes for the person who is hurting. I ate that delicious green apple for myself last Saturday - it made me feel better.... crappy huh. But it worked. Weird. I am thankful for last Saturday and looking forward to more Saturdays like that one... walk and talk with friends and think about someone who I didn't know... who I feel like I missed. I do know that when I get there... I am going to look her up..... she is on my list. Othere people on my list are Jim Morrison, my Grandpa, my Grandma that I never knew. She passed away long before I found out I was adopted... I have pictures of her... she looks like she was nice.. I will look her up. I wonder if this is what blogging is all about... Welcome to my mind and how it works... in loops... at least that is how it seems to me.... One loop laying over another, having nothing to do with eachother, but somehow having a seemless transition to the next one that shows up... or comes out, as it were.

My adoption... hmmmmmmm.... do I dare go there on my first blog attempt... I don't think so.... see you soon ....

j