today

Well..... my "horrorscope" was right.... Have you ever wondered why people ask you questions, if they don't want to know the right answer??? What The?? Sometimes, even though I try to keep myself and my mouth in check... well things just fly out of it. Oh, to have a 3 second delay button. I wonder how much easier my life would be with one of those beauties!?? Just finished a great book..nothing too heavy these days. Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat hair. It was something similar to my future Autobiography.. of course my title would be "Dog Hair" in lieu of Cat Hair. There have been so many times when I feel like I am alone, but alas... there is a woman out in LA doing the same things and writing a book about it! Day are complication lately... seems like all the players on the field are changing their personalities..... I have a hard time understanding the logic, but I suppose it isn't my job to do that. My Mom used to say "tend to your own knittin' " But that is hard to do when you are so interesting in people and what makes the think the way they do.... Anyway. I think age makes people change - among other things of course... So, as I was trying answer the broad question posed to me... I kindof, shall we say.... went off. Sometimes I think I operate in a box that is just too small. Everyone is connected and invested, way too much in my opinion, in everyone else. I am starting not to like it. Maybe, it is just that I see things so differently... more now then ever. And when it comes down to it.. I get scared. I get scared for my future and all that I have invested... and I am not talking about money here.. it is all about the time invested. Some days are worse then others...mostly they are good.... just, some days I get scared........ Sometimes, I feel like my life isn't in my hands... I am searching for a way to changethat feeling.... I need to get braver... I know...... Bye

never a dull moment

Well another day goes down in the history books... no customers today... I am hopeful for tomorrow. The powers that be were arguing today. Are you really required to do any one thing for over 50 years... ugh. There are things I don't understand...... many... sometimes, I think there are more I don't understand than I do. I believe that someone is listening when I pray... maybe it is me. I pray for things to get better... then see someone who has it worse off then me -then us... and I feel guilty. I will tell you though... I am tired of working all of the time and just getting by..... I should feel happy to be getting by. I hate money. Always have. If I had it, I would give it to all the people I love to enjoy their lives... not too much though, as that leads to more problems, unfamiliar ones... not good. I am thankful though... for so much... I try, every morning when I walk, to make a list of them in my head and say them outloud. I don't think anyone can hear them but my dogs and maybe that person I pray too everyday. Last Saturday was amazing and moving and difficult and heart wrenching and wonderful.... all that in a Saturday morning! Wow. I am thankful for last Saturday - to have been in the company of a family that I don't really know, but admire so much... I just watched and listened and studied faces... waiting for a rumpled brow or quivering lip... I didn't see one... at least I didn't see one. I did feel my brow and my lip, but it wasn't about me. I wonder how in the heck you come to deal with the day to day. That is what I wonder..... Loss is one thing... but there are no take-backs on some loss... I have a hard time wrapping my head around that concept. I feel like I am the type of person that runs around with my hair on fire trying to fix things, make something better.... sometimes for selfish reasons, sometimes for the person who is hurting. I ate that delicious green apple for myself last Saturday - it made me feel better.... crappy huh. But it worked. Weird. I am thankful for last Saturday and looking forward to more Saturdays like that one... walk and talk with friends and think about someone who I didn't know... who I feel like I missed. I do know that when I get there... I am going to look her up..... she is on my list. Othere people on my list are Jim Morrison, my Grandpa, my Grandma that I never knew. She passed away long before I found out I was adopted... I have pictures of her... she looks like she was nice.. I will look her up. I wonder if this is what blogging is all about... Welcome to my mind and how it works... in loops... at least that is how it seems to me.... One loop laying over another, having nothing to do with eachother, but somehow having a seemless transition to the next one that shows up... or comes out, as it were.

My adoption... hmmmmmmm.... do I dare go there on my first blog attempt... I don't think so.... see you soon ....

j