The New "Normal"

*****  this is a post I started some months ago  ****  Some things don't change, no matter how much we long for "the way things used to be"  read on.... if you have the guts.  ;)

The cold hard fact is families do not always stay together.  I realize I am not saying something everyone doesn't know or hasn't experienced...or maybe even experiencing as I write this. I guess the question is, how do you survive it.  I am having my own challenges with that one.  My Mom and Dad have been married for about 58 years at last count.  They have been separated for 2, not "officially", just not living together.  They are always fighting, then sharing the details with me.  I think I have moved from daughter to friend...or maybe they just tell me in the hope that I will say something to the other to try to make some difference in how things are going...and believe me, they are not going well.  I suppose it is typical for people who have been married for over a half century, are 75 and 80 years old and who have amassed quite a bit.  Seriously?  Nothing is typical about this mess.  There is nothing but sadness and loss.  I feel sorry for both of them.  I suppose the truth is, that they should have split up 20 years ago.  I really think they haven't loved eachother for that long, at least..... or just not in the people who are married need to love eachother. Maybe they just 'grew apart'.  I know that they are very different. They don't like to do things together, they don't enjoy the same people, music, social events or really anything.  I just hoped that our family would have meant something.  My dad has a new family. The woman is my age, she has young adult children and a grandchild or two, I am not sure. I know I miss my family.  I also know it will never be the same.  Somedays it just feels worse than others.  I dread the day when I run into my Dad somewhere when she is with him.  I don't know if it will ever happen... I go to bed at 8, as I rise at 4am.  That really cuts the chances down.  I don't really go out anywhere.  I think it is better that way.  Maybe I would feel different if my parents were actually divorced?  I don't really know.  My Mom lives in Florida now. I can't blame her.

** fast forward to today 7.1.2014. 

My Mom has been here for about a month.  She came up for an appointment with her lawyer and continues to stay for appointments with her lawyer and the Big Meeting with my Dad, his lawyer, her lawyer and her.  I am scared for her.  She looks terrible.  She is terrible.  He is just going along... rumor has it, this woman is sporting a sizable diamond ring on her left ring finger and he is referring to her son as his, future step son.  Whoopie. 
I think it would be better for me, if all this wasn't right in front of me every day of my life.... maybe a bit of distance would be an advantage?? Am I kidding myself?  Heck, I am not sure.   I am so tired of talking about it.. I say this as I am telling anyone who reads this about it.  It is just easier for me to type away without hearing rebuttals, opinions or comments.  It is just "letting it out"  It feels good. It feels like pouring out some heavy liquid that rides around in the middle of my chest and makes me hurt from the very center of me outward to the tips of my fingers.

I don't want to speak for all kids... I don't want to assume everyone in my position feels like I do.... but..... remember, parents who are breaking up.... It doesn't matter if your child is 5 or 50, they are your child, not your buddy, your bff, your counselor or your therapist... we are not even your barber or stylist.  We are your children and all we know is our parents don't love eachother anymore and nothing will ever be what it was.... not holidays, no Tuesdays, not any event or great piece of news that we want to share..... not the way we look at the world, or marriage.... not anything.  So please think before you tell us Everything that We NEED to know..... we don't need to know Everything... we need to know that we will be ok and that you will be ok.  At the end of the day, we can't control the behavior of anyone but ourselves... so don't assume by involving us in your personal drama with your spouse will make anything better for us.... because it doesn't not.

All I want to do is love my Mom and Dad and have them love me.

I feel like I have lost nearly everything....My family was everything to me....
and it is broken.  I can't fix it.....  and that is really hard to accept. 

Truly, all I want is my family back......

  

Is the time finally here???

I believe that if you believe something will come true it will.... It may take a while, but, it will.  The trick to all this is being consistent.  Having focus on your goals and dreams.  Have the vision of what you want you life to be firmly planted in your head.  I struggle with this. There are so many "factors".  Maybe "factors" is the wrong word here, but I can't think of another.  There always seems to be something that might postpone or complicate "the dream". For example, the people in your life.  Now, it is true, some people have more gravity than others... but.... is that a valid argument for postponing doing what you would really like to do.  Is it so bad to "just do it" ? (forgive me for sounding like a commercial).  Sometimes I think I set myself up to not reach my dreams.  I put road blocks in my own way.  It is all fear based.... You didn't think I am that naïve, did you?  I know what I do.... the question is why?  What am I afraid of?  Is it fear?  Hell, I don't know.  What I do know is this....  If this opportunity pans out, I have to "woman up" and take it.  I have to practice what I preach... and I preach a lot.  Here are some examples?

'What is the worst that can happen, you might actually find out you were happy all along?'
 or

'Life is short.... what are you waiting for?'

or

'Be a verb!'

Ugh..... it is so easy to give good, solid advice to everyone else.....

Anyway.... I am here, I am praying for some shoring up... some encouragement.... a push to do something that might not seem like the best for someone else... and may just set me free to be me.

Wish us luck!