Character Builder

I just asked myself the same question 3 times in a row.... Why do people do the things that they do? It is a hard question to answer. I would like to think we all think things thru... you know, really project the consequences to our actions... but.. not so much. Why in the world would someone who loves their kids so much do everthing in their power to push them away, then cry when they are gone? Families are weird. Weird... there is always so much going on behind the scenes. I mean while driving by any house in suburbia things looks so wonderful.. you really can't know what it is really like inside.....

I have said so many times... Why do some families have so many things happen to them all at once??? It seems to unfair..... Doesn't it? Have you ever known a family like that... maybe the lose their parents at once or many members get sick all in a row.... It is sad. I think it all to learn lessons, although only they know = or maybe not = the lesson they are suppose to learn. Or maybe it is just plain old dumb luck. But, I don't think so. I don't really believe in that I don't think... or at least not as much as I used to believe in it. Maybe we endure these dark times in our lives to build character. I have all the character that I can stand... let me tell you or anyone else who is listening up there... or out there.

It comes down to a question of control. Most things do, don't you think? If you overcontrol your surroundings, I believe your surroundings will change.... as in, Go Away. People can only endure that for so long... Now you can say it is out of love, but isn't it really just to get what you want? Because, of course, you know what is best for everyone at the party..... right? So, how then can I keep feeling sorry for you? I feel sorry for everyone... always have. I just don't have that chip... that.. screw them chip... There are days I wish I had a half a chip like that... but, alas... nada.

I pray alot... talk really. My friend Lisa says I need to talk more... ask for help more, Nan says the same. So I am trying to do that whenever I think about it. I feel like a whiner... seems like 80 percent of the time I do Talk... I am asking for something... great talker friend I am ..... I do try to say thanks too.... I do that. But mostly I ask. Sometimes I ask for other people... and rally the celestial troops to deploy to the location of my person in need... you know, I don't need you today guys... please go to so and so's place and wrap your help and loving light around them..... I hope they do. It is hard to tell sometimes.

I met a stranger that is very much like me. Turns out she is my Birthmom.. I have talked about her before. She is wonderful.... she is facing a battle now... yes the C word, or so it looks. I am asking again for my "guys" to meet up with hers and see if they can beat this deal with her. She is really something... who tells their daughter something like that and then apologizes because I have so much on my plate. I have a big plate, among other things..... like my butt. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

My family is just like everyone's... maybe not, but I would prefer to think so.... but you know, I just wish we could all love eachother unconditionally... without control, without an inside motive.

That is the difference between my other family and this one..... the main difference..... It was hard to get used to at first. I like it. But it was unchartered waters..... calmer ones. Not better or worse... just different. No qualifying here.... just to make myself clear.

The truth is. I am tired. I am.

I pray tonight that loving pink light from my heart flows to hers... and everyone in both families..... I wish that things could be easy and nice and that everyone learns what really matters on this planet on this journey.... it is love and the way love makes all of us feel. God, I pray for this for everyone ... every minute.... And a side prayer for dry cheeks.

Today has been a character builders. Good night all.... xo