I think I may have finally grown up

Ahhhhh.... my new life in Colorado is in full swing. That being said, it hasn't been easy.  Adjusting, learning, getting lost, not knowing anyone, starting a new job, not to mention changing your address on every thing!

I seem to be in some sort of a  self learning phase too....yah, that is what I needed.. lol.  I think it is about being somewhere,  for the first time in my life, where I don't feel obligated to ANYONE. I don't have to curtail my feelings, or worry about rocking the boat.  I have to say it feels darn good.  It may have something to do with getting older as well.... I am realizing that I have limits.   I know.... shocker.  And, that I don't want to or need to listen to or be around anyone who makes me unhappy.  Also, disrespect isn't really being welcomed with open arms either.   I have developed pretty clear ideas about people.... I can finally step back and observe instead of being in the center clamoring for some kind of perspective.  Also, this is a big one: I Will Survive. 
Chris and I live in a very very small apartment.  It is teaching us patience and organizational skills above and beyond what we already had.  It also forces you to realize what you really NEED. This is a big one (no pun intended)... we gave away, sold or stored 99% of our worldly belongings.  We are ok with it, although I really miss my Ethan Alan dining room table.... 

And there are questions that I ponder now, like:

Why do our things define us?

Why do people think they are more important than other people, when God made us all?

Why is it so insulting to be taught by and criticized by someone 30 years your junior?

Does having money make you some how better?

Is it really so important to have a big mortgage....on a big house.... and a fancy truck?

I have more time to think now.... I like it.  I am learning what is Important to ME.  ME is an unfamiliar word to me
Most of my life  I have been an Us.  By my own doing, of course... even when I have been alone, I have considered others along with myself in every senario. ...decision or action.

It is a work in progress, and, to be honest it  scary as hell.  I took on alot in one fell swoop.  No baby steps for us.... nope, one giant leap off the cliff.   I feel like this change has been in the works for a long time, yet it happened so fast.  Had there not been so much trouble and drama back home, I don't  believe I would have ever had the guts to leave..... it is hard to admit it, but it is true.  I got a giant push from my friends in the Universe.  For sure.  I am thankful.

So here are the thoughts in my head.... I need to do things I love to do and make a stable and safe life for us here.  Branch out and find some self confidence.... that is a hard one. Learn new things, take my clean slate and fill it with new adventures.  I want to paint more.... develope a new series, officiate at more weddings and meet more artists... I want to write more and keep a journal -both experience and art, I want to sing and play my guitar.... and I want a steady dialog with those who help me be a better me... and I want to help them be better "thems" in return.

I am grateful for this chance to find out who Julie is.  I am not sure she (I) have ever let myself fully be me....without fear of disappointing anyone.   I wonder what I will be like....

Stay tuned....

Xoxo

As much as their is of me, there never seems to be enough

I have a lot of "jobs".  It has always been like this for me.  I am, what I call, a 'juggler'.  I juggle my coffee shop, my art business, art lessons, volunteering, being a member of 2 different boards, being a minister, a wife, a stepmom, a mom to my beloved dogs and... oh yes... being Julie. 

Sometimes I fail... today is one of those days.

So I write today about priorities, saying Yes or No... and really getting the answer to the question.... What do I really WANT to do... or any of us (you) really. 

Priorities....  I talk to all of my sweet wedding couples about them during their wedding ceremony.  "Make your relationship a priority", I say... "Don't stretch yourselves too thin", I preach.  Boy oh Boy.... If I only listened to my words. Because Believe Me I Sound AMAZING! But, alas, I think Chris and I are the worst at making our relationship and our family a priority.  Doesn't make much sense, does it? I think this comes from a "Pleaser" marrying a "Pleaser".  Anyway, the bottom line is, I don't know how to do it... Making Priorities means that something is going to get a big fat "No" and that doesn't make anyone feel good, now does it?  Saying No to someone never feels good.  Feelings get hurt, people are disappointed and let down... it is hard.  But, as we get older we realize that we just can't do it all... I know I can't.  I may be having a harder time with that fact than anyone. 

Working in a retail environment makes it very hard to set priorities... I have a schedule of what I am going to do when... Ha!  It is Futile.  Sometimes it makes me sad.....  You may or may not know that I am an Artist, a watercolorist. I love it.  I love painting, I love sharing my paintings.... I love everything about it.  I also love being a minister.  Marrying couples is the most rewarding thing in the world.  It is so authentic... they are so authentic... The moment the groom sees the bride coming up the aisle, the moment they realize they are making Vows to eachother... it is just amazing.  And this says nothing about how a Best Man looks at his best friend....or how a Maid of Honor gently fluffs her girlfriends dress train.... it is so wonderful.  I also teach kids art... it is another one of my favorite things to do.... they are so fun... full of life and eagerness. They are so proud to show their Moms and Dads... it is very gratifying for me.  And sometimes, I even get "prizes" .. these little ones bring me works of art that they created at home just for me. I even got a T shirt, hand painted!  I actually cried.  These are my favorite things to do.  I need to make them priorities.  The coffee shop is fun, but it isn't my love... it is a vehicle to tell the world what else I do.  That being said, it takes 99% of my time. 
The question is, how do I change that?  I don't know.  I am working on it. 

That was the failure today..... that made me write this blog.... I performed a wedding for a lovely couple and on the same day I held a service for their deceased parents. It was a wonderful day.  The kids got married on what would have been the brides parent's anniversary.  It was heartfelt and wonderful and the guests were happily surprised that they came to a memorial service that turned into a very happy wedding!  Well, she called and asked if I would do a service when her and her brother buried the urns.... I said Yes... and we delighted to have the honor.  It took me 2 weeks to get back to her... they had already buried the ashes.  I am crushed. She is fine.... but it isn't my normal practice.  I needed to make that event a Priority and I let other things come before it. I need to prioritize.... learn to say no and realize that I need to dedicate more of my time to those things that make me happy and feel full...

The end of this story is.... I am working on it......

Thanks for listening, these are the thoughts in my head today...

xoxo