growing old gracefully... yah right.

I realized today that when I look in the mirror, the "girl" looking back to me.... well looks different than me.  There are inside changes too. Like, when I walk past my pastry case at the coffee shop, my jeans get tighter, indicating that all the years of yoyo dieting has destroyed my metabolism, I have bulges where I have never had them and ALL the things my Mom told me was going to happen to me, is or has or will.  It is really troubling. Now, I am not OLD... 48 is the new 28 right?

I find I spend a good amount of time just looking in the mirror... thinking "What the hell happened?".  Does everyone choose a shirt depending on how it makes my neck look?  I never even noticed my neck before, now... boy, you can really see that it's "wiggly".  Just sayin. 

Sometimes I don't even know where the heck I am... there are so many thoughts going on in my head, I forget where I am.  As a default, I am probably in Walmart getting milk for the coffee shop.  But, sometimes, I am not sure.  This gets even more disturbing when you tell someone and they say, "Oh, Just wait, it gets worse!" Worse????  How?????  

Every Monday I have a new and improved game plan.  I promise to drink more "juiced" stuff.  It is green, my girlfriend from high school makes it and shares it with me.  It is the green fountain of youth, I am convinced.  I have also convinced myself that I am way healthier after choking it down.  And then ther are the probiotics, vitamins, green powder stuff that I mix with water and all the added water... for crying outloud... this is ridiculous.  I may sprout something!    By Thursday, my willpower has diminished a bit and the french fries from the hotdog stand next door are sounding like a great idea.  Boy, I really gave it the old college try.  Geez.  Well, Monday is coming again.

Then there is that mood thing.  I asked the Dr. to adjust my thyroid medicine.  He asked why... I told him because I feel like Budda who may just kill someone with my bare hands, that's why... to which he replied, "Maybe you are depressed" "Depressed!  I am not depressed".. That discussion went on for 10 minutes longer than it needed to.  Just another "Change" right.  Yikes.

There are upshots to going older... there is no more guilt in feeling tired.  You don't have to wear high heels every time you go out.  I don't have people asking me when I amgoing to have babies.... that is nice. 
Those are the only ones I can think of as I write this, but I will get back to you because I am sure there are more.

So, in closing, here are my thoughts on aging:
I am not LOVING it.
I don't understand some of the things that are happening to me - inside or out.
My new perspective on things is both frightening and liberating.
I am not depressed.
My Mom was right about everything.
and, finally,
I am not going gracefully...

xo

julie