I realized today that when I look in the mirror, the "girl" looking back to me.... well looks different than me. There are inside changes too. Like, when I walk past my pastry case at the coffee shop, my jeans get tighter, indicating that all the years of yoyo dieting has destroyed my metabolism, I have bulges where I have never had them and ALL the things my Mom told me was going to happen to me, is or has or will. It is really troubling. Now, I am not OLD... 48 is the new 28 right?
I find I spend a good amount of time just looking in the mirror... thinking "What the hell happened?". Does everyone choose a shirt depending on how it makes my neck look? I never even noticed my neck before, now... boy, you can really see that it's "wiggly". Just sayin.
Sometimes I don't even know where the heck I am... there are so many thoughts going on in my head, I forget where I am. As a default, I am probably in Walmart getting milk for the coffee shop. But, sometimes, I am not sure. This gets even more disturbing when you tell someone and they say, "Oh, Just wait, it gets worse!" Worse???? How?????
Every Monday I have a new and improved game plan. I promise to drink more "juiced" stuff. It is green, my girlfriend from high school makes it and shares it with me. It is the green fountain of youth, I am convinced. I have also convinced myself that I am way healthier after choking it down. And then ther are the probiotics, vitamins, green powder stuff that I mix with water and all the added water... for crying outloud... this is ridiculous. I may sprout something! By Thursday, my willpower has diminished a bit and the french fries from the hotdog stand next door are sounding like a great idea. Boy, I really gave it the old college try. Geez. Well, Monday is coming again.
Then there is that mood thing. I asked the Dr. to adjust my thyroid medicine. He asked why... I told him because I feel like Budda who may just kill someone with my bare hands, that's why... to which he replied, "Maybe you are depressed" "Depressed! I am not depressed".. That discussion went on for 10 minutes longer than it needed to. Just another "Change" right. Yikes.
There are upshots to going older... there is no more guilt in feeling tired. You don't have to wear high heels every time you go out. I don't have people asking me when I amgoing to have babies.... that is nice.
Those are the only ones I can think of as I write this, but I will get back to you because I am sure there are more.
So, in closing, here are my thoughts on aging:
I am not LOVING it.
I don't understand some of the things that are happening to me - inside or out.
My new perspective on things is both frightening and liberating.
I am not depressed.
My Mom was right about everything.
and, finally,
I am not going gracefully...
xo
julie
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3 comments:
Me too!! But 48 is the new 18!! I had someone joke with me ha ha only 2 more years of being on "the 4th floor"...jokes on them right?! Baaa ha ha ha! :) My biggest wake up call was when I realized at work, I really could be her Mother!! Wow! I don't mind getting older...just wish my body'd agree to at least FEEL 18! :)
Aging disgracefully is soooo much more fun.
And yes, I have (true story sadly) walked past a mirro in the shop and thought that woman is wearing the same clothes as me. And I didn't like the look of her either.
Mind you, I wouldn't be a teenager again for anyone. All that anxt is something I don't miss at all.
You will come to grips with it ... I mean you are in the early stages, ya know:) I mean at some point you will say what the hell ... I don't have to look like I am 18 or 28 or 38 or 48 ... on and on ... I am fine just the way I am. The main thing you have to do is stay healthy ... you don't have to be skinny, just don't be fat. You don't have to be brilliant, just keep exercising the brain and accept the fact that you will forget most of what you need to know at a given time. Not that you won't remember it, you just won't remember it when you need to remember it. Most important, though, is your ability to laugh at yourself for worrying about stupid stuff and for doing stupid things and looking stupid in the skinny jeans and off the shoulder t-shirts. It is funny you know and if you don't laugh, you will be crying and that just makes you feel older. The old saying "Young at Heart" is the key to it all and when you are old enough to realize that, you are old. So LOL, it's all you can do ...
Love your blog, Julie ... you are awesome no matter how you look to yourself in the mirror :)
Andrea
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