The New "Normal"

*****  this is a post I started some months ago  ****  Some things don't change, no matter how much we long for "the way things used to be"  read on.... if you have the guts.  ;)

The cold hard fact is families do not always stay together.  I realize I am not saying something everyone doesn't know or hasn't experienced...or maybe even experiencing as I write this. I guess the question is, how do you survive it.  I am having my own challenges with that one.  My Mom and Dad have been married for about 58 years at last count.  They have been separated for 2, not "officially", just not living together.  They are always fighting, then sharing the details with me.  I think I have moved from daughter to friend...or maybe they just tell me in the hope that I will say something to the other to try to make some difference in how things are going...and believe me, they are not going well.  I suppose it is typical for people who have been married for over a half century, are 75 and 80 years old and who have amassed quite a bit.  Seriously?  Nothing is typical about this mess.  There is nothing but sadness and loss.  I feel sorry for both of them.  I suppose the truth is, that they should have split up 20 years ago.  I really think they haven't loved eachother for that long, at least..... or just not in the people who are married need to love eachother. Maybe they just 'grew apart'.  I know that they are very different. They don't like to do things together, they don't enjoy the same people, music, social events or really anything.  I just hoped that our family would have meant something.  My dad has a new family. The woman is my age, she has young adult children and a grandchild or two, I am not sure. I know I miss my family.  I also know it will never be the same.  Somedays it just feels worse than others.  I dread the day when I run into my Dad somewhere when she is with him.  I don't know if it will ever happen... I go to bed at 8, as I rise at 4am.  That really cuts the chances down.  I don't really go out anywhere.  I think it is better that way.  Maybe I would feel different if my parents were actually divorced?  I don't really know.  My Mom lives in Florida now. I can't blame her.

** fast forward to today 7.1.2014. 

My Mom has been here for about a month.  She came up for an appointment with her lawyer and continues to stay for appointments with her lawyer and the Big Meeting with my Dad, his lawyer, her lawyer and her.  I am scared for her.  She looks terrible.  She is terrible.  He is just going along... rumor has it, this woman is sporting a sizable diamond ring on her left ring finger and he is referring to her son as his, future step son.  Whoopie. 
I think it would be better for me, if all this wasn't right in front of me every day of my life.... maybe a bit of distance would be an advantage?? Am I kidding myself?  Heck, I am not sure.   I am so tired of talking about it.. I say this as I am telling anyone who reads this about it.  It is just easier for me to type away without hearing rebuttals, opinions or comments.  It is just "letting it out"  It feels good. It feels like pouring out some heavy liquid that rides around in the middle of my chest and makes me hurt from the very center of me outward to the tips of my fingers.

I don't want to speak for all kids... I don't want to assume everyone in my position feels like I do.... but..... remember, parents who are breaking up.... It doesn't matter if your child is 5 or 50, they are your child, not your buddy, your bff, your counselor or your therapist... we are not even your barber or stylist.  We are your children and all we know is our parents don't love eachother anymore and nothing will ever be what it was.... not holidays, no Tuesdays, not any event or great piece of news that we want to share..... not the way we look at the world, or marriage.... not anything.  So please think before you tell us Everything that We NEED to know..... we don't need to know Everything... we need to know that we will be ok and that you will be ok.  At the end of the day, we can't control the behavior of anyone but ourselves... so don't assume by involving us in your personal drama with your spouse will make anything better for us.... because it doesn't not.

All I want to do is love my Mom and Dad and have them love me.

I feel like I have lost nearly everything....My family was everything to me....
and it is broken.  I can't fix it.....  and that is really hard to accept. 

Truly, all I want is my family back......

  

Is the time finally here???

I believe that if you believe something will come true it will.... It may take a while, but, it will.  The trick to all this is being consistent.  Having focus on your goals and dreams.  Have the vision of what you want you life to be firmly planted in your head.  I struggle with this. There are so many "factors".  Maybe "factors" is the wrong word here, but I can't think of another.  There always seems to be something that might postpone or complicate "the dream". For example, the people in your life.  Now, it is true, some people have more gravity than others... but.... is that a valid argument for postponing doing what you would really like to do.  Is it so bad to "just do it" ? (forgive me for sounding like a commercial).  Sometimes I think I set myself up to not reach my dreams.  I put road blocks in my own way.  It is all fear based.... You didn't think I am that naïve, did you?  I know what I do.... the question is why?  What am I afraid of?  Is it fear?  Hell, I don't know.  What I do know is this....  If this opportunity pans out, I have to "woman up" and take it.  I have to practice what I preach... and I preach a lot.  Here are some examples?

'What is the worst that can happen, you might actually find out you were happy all along?'
 or

'Life is short.... what are you waiting for?'

or

'Be a verb!'

Ugh..... it is so easy to give good, solid advice to everyone else.....

Anyway.... I am here, I am praying for some shoring up... some encouragement.... a push to do something that might not seem like the best for someone else... and may just set me free to be me.

Wish us luck! 

Old Friends......

I am very blessed to have old friends.  Now, I don't mean THEY are old, or I am (perish the thought!), you see..... I mean they have been with me, we have been together since we were kids, or get the fast track Old Friend status due to surviving a crisis.  I am sure there are advantages to living a life that you move around a lot. I, however, have lived in my town my entire life, with the exception of living in central Wisconsin for about one year. 
When you have old friends you have a level of familiarity that just doesn't happen overnight.  You "talk" about "things"...  You have no pressure to do anything you don't want to, because they understand, but at the same time would do anything to be sure they are taken care of and happy.  It is like planted a baby tree in your yard.  You watch the tree, water it, feed it, love it, strap it down in storms... eventually sit under it for shade from the hot sun.  Sometimes you may even decorate it for Christmas or the other holidays.  I feel like that tree becomes part of the family... part of the landscape of your life.  As are old friends.  Because those friends have families, they become an important part of your life too.  Your family grows... by choice.  My definition of family has always been "the more the merrier" so it was a pretty easy transition for me when I found my Birth Mom and my amazing brothers and sister and their kiddos and my wonderful Step Dad.  I am a part of many families. 
The word family has lots of definitions for me.  I don't believe the "Blood is Thicker than Water".  I believe love is impenetrable and you have the ability to love so much and so many with so much of yourself.  And I do. 
I experienced something unexpected while talking with one of my dear old friends, the oldest friend I have... We met when we were 12.  I love her and she has grown into a part of me.  We are a part of eachother.  We sat and talked in her truck on a very snowy night, in the parking lot of the hospital where her Dad was in intensive care.  I watched her and listened to her... just listened... offered an affirmation now and then... but mostly listened.  Also, I noticed her getting a bit older.  This is a compliment.  She is more beautiful than she was when 20.  I saw her face and how expressive it was and how much she was hurting and frustrating.  Her eyes grew dark as she described how she felt.  Then I saw her soften and her eyes brighten as she told me how she was at peace knowing her Dad would soon be painless and free.  All the while, I was looking at her knowing how lucky I was to be the one listening and sharing this with her.  You see, being old friends means sharing IT ALL... the good the bad...
I, recently, have shared the loss of several friends' parents. Some, I have even presided at their funerals.  I loved these people.  They helped me grow up.  They were, sort of, my parents too. 
We lost my girl friends Dad last night.  She texted me, then we tried to call eachother at the same time... and then finally speaking.  She talked, I listened and we will go through this, just like we have gone through other things - together.  And I am so thankful for that.

I am also thankful for the people who love me for me and nothing more.  Who stick by me through thick and thin and expect me to be nothing but me. Because, after all, that is all any of us can ever be.

These are the thoughts in my head this today...

xo

Julie

8 Weddings and a Funeral...

I have lots of "Jobs".  I am a coffee shop, art gallery, gift shop owner, I am an artist and I am also an ordained minister. 

Yes, an ordained minister.  I got ordained so I could marry my brother Chris and his beautiful bride Tracey.  I remember getting his call.  This is how it went:

Chris, "Tracey and I would like for you to officiate at our wedding."

Me, (Having been raised a Catholic). "I don't think I have the credentials for that."

Chris, "You do! You can get ordained online."

That was the beginning.....

Since then I have presided over quite a few weddings.  Each has been a joy.  It is such an authentic time. Especially in that moment the bride is walking up the aisle.  No matter who the groom is, what his personality is.... it is always the same reaction.... pure love and excitement.  Some of my grooms cry, some smile, others tear up and one actually gasped.  But all of them are brought to their most authentic state and that is a pretty amazing thing to see. And every bride is a blushing bride.... no matter who she is, her age or experience.  Every bride sees her groom and blushes.  It is sweet and wonderful and renews your belief is Anticipation and Love.

That pendulum swings in the opposite direction too.  You see, I have also been asked to lead funerals.  My first one was very emotional.  Not only because it was a funeral, but I knew the person. He was a personal friend of my parents' and mine, my whole life.  I wrote the service, as I do for weddings, rehearsed it and felt very good about it.  It celebrated his life, highlighted what he loved and who and had a few funny stories to balance the loss. I stood at the podium, started with The Lord's Prayer (my favorite way to get everyone in a room to feel connected) and started..... and then my legs started to shake.  Have you ever experienced "leg shake"??  I was talking away and in the back of my mind thinking, "Oh No! What do I do?? OK.... tighen your legs, no, loosen your legs, squeeze your feet". Nothing worked.  Only with time, did the shaking subside and I finished my service.  No one knew about the shaking.  I was complimented by so many that were there.  I was proud of myself.  It was a lesson learned.

Since then I have done 3 other funerals.  One of them was just last Friday evening.  It is different being on the other side of something like that.  I become "Funeral Home Staff" in a way.  I did know the gentleman who passed for this funeral too.... but I felt more at ease (no leg shake).
As I read I could see the family crying, tissues being passed along.... and then some smiles and eventually laughs....  I am a firm believer in ending on a good note.  I walked out of that room to be greeted by my friend fireman with hugs and words of appreciation.  This funeral, like my first, was for a retired firefighter. 

While everyone was leaving the funeral home, we all talked about those who have passed.  I think it is just what you do at the funeral home.  Remember, tell stories, shake hands and give hugs freely.  ** Which by the way is where hugs are given the most... weddings and funerals **
And then it happened.... Someone asked me what I liked doing better.... Funerals or Weddings???   He thought he knew what I was going to answer.  But, do you know what I said???   The truth is I couldn't answer.  I didn't know what I liked to do best. I was surprised that I couldn't answer the question.  The truth is, they are equal.  Equal in terms of how important they are.  Equal in terms of the emotion involved and the work involved in preparing for them both.  The responsibility factor is equal too.  I commit to honoring people, taking something and someone whom they love and conveying how much they are loved.  It is a big deal and I take it so seriously.

So this year, so far, I have 8 weddings and a funeral.  And I am honored to be involved in all of them.  Being immersed in all those feelings - good, bad and all, is overwelming in a way.  You have no other choice but to put it all out there and take it all in.

This is my favorite job... of all my jobs... and I hope and pray that I can it forever.

Have a great day all,

xoxo

Julie

Local Business... Do you... really???

Disclaimer: I am a small business owner.  I was also raised in a family that owns a small business and was involved in that business for most of my life.  I am an educated consumer and a lover of fearless people.  Being actively involved in my hometown I have a unique perspective, having the opportunity to be on "both sides of the fence". I have had corporate jobs, small businesses jobs and everything in between. 


"They" say the trend to support Local Business is in full swing.  I think about this ALL of the time... and this morning have organized all the thoughts in my head on this subject... I would like to share them with you...

The act of supporting local businesses is a VERB. It is, many times, an inconvenience, involves planning and forethought and takes extra time. 
This doesn't sound like much fun, does it??  Ha Ha.... Well it is fun.  There is the personal relationship you develop with the business owner that you would never get in the big box stores, the wonderful customer service you receive because the person serving you actually has some skin in the game.... let's see... .what else...  There is pride in knowing that you are contributing to a person who had the guts to put it all on the line to realize a lifelong dream .  Not to mention the fact that you can tell all of your friends that you Support Local Business, which makes you a hit at dinner parties and kids sporting events... and the PTO meetings.

Now, we are caught up in a world that moves so quickly.  We budget our money, our time, food, coffee, activities, fun and everything else to make room for more... for what I don't know, but that is what we do.  Soooooo, going out of our way to go to a small store, sometimes just doesn't fit in our schedule. When this happens we just hit the big place to save time... And understandably so..... I guess. Convenience is King.... Cash used to be... that is a whole other blog post.  But, I digress..  Every time we do that... every time, our local merchants and service providers suffer a little and it makes them less likely to "make it". No Pressure, you understand... just stating the facts.  How many times have you heard someone say (or you have said) "Oh No, they closed? You know I haven't been in there in forever. That is so sad".  I know I am guilty of it.... 

Opening a small business is difficult.  There are lots of permits to pay for and equipment to buy, inventory to stock, business loans to pay.  The list is endless. Small businesses add jobs for local citizens, they revitalize downtowns and provide towns with ways to draw people in, are often times the most generous donators to local events.... thus helping to contribute to small town America... and small town America is what makes everything work.  Sorry big city folk, but even all that you have was built on the back of a guy or a lady, with a dream that took that leap.  Sometimes losing it all..... All.

I guess to wind this up, I hope that you all support your local businesses every time you have the opportunity. Go out of your way.... make some extra time.... make a new friend in a local business owner..... You will feel great, they will feel great and there is love, pride and hope in what you purchase...

Think about it.... and just do it....

Those are the thoughts in my head today...

xo

Julie

Taking the Leap

Well....here we sit at Denver Airport thinking... talking... figuring and doing the math.  Our question, "how do we figure out a way to live here?"

This is common for us... we have been planning the move for ever it seems, and yet we board the plane with a sigh at the end of every trip.

Now, this isn't to say that we don't love our home, friends and Lake Villa, because we do. We are just ready for a new adventure.  Is that bad?? No.  Then why is it so hard to make the leap? 

Fear is personal and public enemy #1, as far as I am concerned...and I have it.  I believe Chris does too.

I am fearless when talking to other people.... I am very convincing. ..but when it comes  to us....not so much.
All these thoughts swirl around in my head.  Why don't we just go?

You know I have always just done what I have always done
Because that is what I did.  When I quit working for my Dad, it was for many reasons....there wasn't a lot to do, survival, I hated that my Mom wasn't there anymore. Everything was foreign there...sad...But then I started the coffee shop and it was better....  I had my own thing, and put some distance between me and the crazy was that became my Dad and his new life.  **I love my Dad... just dont want to watch everything he does **..

Anyway, that is how the shop came to be.  I am proud of it....just need a change. Why does that feel funny? Guilt ridden, really.

I feel like there is more out there.... things I can only dream about, new things to look at and new people to connect with...art to see...maybe a book to write even!  I am in need of inspiration.... who am I trying to convince anyway??  Maybe it feels like a betrayal. It feels like I am not thankful....oh I am and I tell God every time I think about it, which is often.  Often.... I am so blessed to have done what I have.

My brother David was at my shop once.... he looked at me and said, "you are too big for this little town, Julie".  Wow... I didn't know where to file that... I was flattered. I love that guy.  I haven't stopped thinking about it since he said it....  once my professor told me I "had it".  He looked  into my eyes when he said it...yikes!  "You have what it takes to make it Julie".  I was so scared when he said it. Why???? I loved that he liked my art.  I love my art.... but I feel like I am on the brink of something.... and just can't see it....  hence the need for a kick in the drawers.... a new perspective.  Chris feels the same.  This poor guy is so burned out.  I feel sorry for him...he has been thru the ringer.... no other man in the world would have hung around and worked everyday being put thru what he has.  I am blessed to have him... 

So... I will keep praying and hoping and believing God will put doors in front of us that we will open.  And that something happen for us to be able to shed the fear and excuses and make the leap!

I am so ready! 

Xoxo